During the holiday season we can get so wrapped up with what we’re gifting, that we can forget about how we’re giving.

Giving is a skill. Yes, some people are great gift givers and some…not so much. Some chalk this up to a matter of taste, but I think it goes deeper. I’ve received awful gifts that have moved me. I’ve received great gifts that have left me cold, or worse. The difference lies in the spirit in which the gift was given.

Was this given from love or for love?

Giving for love creates expectations. We do the dishes with the expectation that they do the laundry. We compliment someone with the expectation that they return the favor. We pick up the kids with the expectation that our partner will cook dinner. Our gift is coming from an empty place. It’s an attempt to fill an unmet need. This reliably backfires in one of two ways:

First, though the expectation in our gift may be clear to us, it often is not to the receiver. It’s not that they won’t meet our expectation, they simply cannot. Then, when they don’t read our mind, we often give them more in hopes they get the hint. When they still don’t, and don’t appreciate our added efforts (or even worse, start asking us for something else on top of all we do), that empty place deepens. It’s easy to forget that we’re acting according to our needs which are often very different from theirs.

If our expectation is clear to the receiver, it can be even worse. It’s hard to appreciate a loaded gift. It transforms whatever object, experience, or gesture -- no matter how generous -- into a source of shame, an insult, or even a threat. No thank you.

In German, the word “gift” translates to “poison.” When giving for love, we risk poisoning everyone involved with our “generosity.” Giving with expectation is the most reliable road to disappointment, frustration, and, worst of all, resentment.

Then there’s giving from love. This is when the act of giving is intrinsically motivated. We give because the act of giving itself excites us, not the outcome. Though it may seem like there’s a bright line between the two, there often isn’t.

I’m not proud to confess that a lot of suffering in my personal and professional relationships has come from not exploring the spirit of my giving. Of course it was very clear after the fact. Either I wouldn’t forget what I had done for them, or I wouldn’t remember until they mentioned it. Ironically it was the gifts I can’t remember giving that were ultimately most rewarding.

Allow me to share a simple trick to surface the spirit of a gift. It’s helped me quickly get clear on whether or not I’m about to give for or from love, and has quickly removed much of this suffering from my relationships: Intoku.

Intoku is a Japanese term which translates to “hidden virtue” or “secret good deed.” It refers to the act of doing good or giving selflessly without seeking recognition or praise. For me, the trick to giving a gift truly from love -- material or experiential -- is taking yourself out of the equation. When you want to give someone something, ask yourself:

Would I do this without getting any credit for it?

The answer can be sobering. It was for me. I realized how much of my giving was a misguided form of asking for something in return. No matter how expensive, or elaborate, these were not gifts, they were burdens. So in some ways, I’ve become less “generous.” I no longer give from empty places. I give from love or not at all…as long as I remember to ask. So the next time you’re getting something for someone, just check in, and ask: Are you giving for or from love?

Thank you for taking the time,
Ryder